I don't know what to title this just yet

 When we first met you told me I didn't want to be involved with you I believe you said you don't want me I'm a bastard. And you gave me every test you could think of to see if I would stay by your side I can't count the amount of times you have told me to walk away and not come back I can't even count the amount of tests that you've given me to see if I would come back and I have stood through all of it holding your hand being by your side with everything you've been through in the past 9 years and yet you still don't believe I won't walk away and you still do things trying to make me walk away and I don't understand I really don't understand why

 To describe how I feel. Emotions are stirring inside me and I can not say what they are. Sadness yes, frustration yes, longing yes, restlessness yes.  Often I feel on the verge of tears and don't know why.  If you compliment me I tear up, if you say I done wrong, I tear up, tell me you love me, I tear up, see a dead animal in the road or on the side I tear up. The tears don't fall. I hold them back. The feelings circle around until I swallow them. A lot of the time I feel numb  I don't know if I actually feel love. It is a scary thought.