I don't know what to title this just yet

 So when I was 12 I met Steve Joseph Voight. At the time he told me he was 17. We had a secret relationship for a while. I would ask to be dropped off downtown at the movie theater and he would come in on the train and we would watch a movie together.  One evening he convinced me to suck his dick. I remember being uncomfortable and excited at the same time. I had no idea what I was doing. I remember thinking his dick was weird.  It was squeaky and reminded me of soap.  I know I didn't finish. I don't really remember why.  I know he left early to catch the train.  The second time I saw him.  I was with Vicky. Steve brought his friend Sandor.  We had gone to the beach. The moon was bright and shining down on the water.  One day he rode his bike to my house to meet my parents. My dad hated him. Said he would have him arrested if he caught us together. We did a lot of sneaking around. Mostly we talked on the phone and wrote letters back and forth...

 In September 2006 I was hired at TriVIN.  I really liked this job. The first department I was in was not a good fit. My typing sucked big time. So I was moved over to Reg USA section. Here there was a lot of sexual harassment is the way it would be described.   The guys would ask what color kind of under ware I was wearing and other things like that. I always would give push back. I could give as good as I got.  This one guy in particular was Tracy was always saying sexual things to me.  He kept asking me for naked pictures, after a few months of this I took a picture of a woman at the beach and I sent it to him saying you want me to play here you go.  That was the beginning of  the end.  He kept asking me to send a picture of his wife in the shower to a person in upper management which I said no to. Being a trusting soul I did not lock my computer when I walked away from it.  Tracy apparently sent this picture from my PC.  Before ...

 I hate when I've so many thoughts I cannot pin one down.  It's my brain on ADHD.    It's like I have this thought. So when I was in like 5th grade I was invited to a party and they had a dancing contest. I really didn't want to participate.  I was encouraged to stand on a foot stool and dance in a spotlight.  Every single person there laughed at me and made fun of me.   I remember leaving and the mom I think trying to keep me there. It was too far of a walk home. But it was night and cooler. I have since not danced in public with out being really drunk.   Honestly I have no clue if I am a good dancer. I don't have rhythm.  I am stiff and feel like every eye in the room is one me. I freeze right up. 

 I have realized that I have let people's opinions influence me.  I have stopped doing the things that I enjoy most.  Taking pictures is a favorite of mine.  I let a friend's negative comments stop me from taking pictures during my walks which led me to stop walking. I realize how much I miss taking pictures.  How much I miss the positive reactions to them. So I have promised myself I will step back into it.  Maybe I should add some back story to this. Since kindergarten, I have been bullied.  Well the bullying stopped after highschool. But the affects from being bullied still linger on.   I am a loner. I stick to myself, depend on my self. I hold things in to the point of where I feel like if I let go I will spin out of control like a top. I don't dance in public unless I have been drinking.  Even then it is usually in a corner where I am less likely to be seen.  

 I've been working a temporary job for four months now. Something I've never really done. It's sales I guess. I am an account manager,although I have no assigned accounts.  While I understand the gist of what I am doing. I am still not very good. I've been feeling out of my I don't really know how to explain it.  I fit in with the team.  But I make a good number of errors.  I feel as if I am letting Love (my supervisor/mentor) done.  Then I get super down on myself. Honestly Love, hasn't had the time to spend teaching me what I need to learn.  It's not in a text book or S.O.P.   As an example today I was working on a quote and I was trying to figure out an excess charge.  I asked Love why there were dollar amounts on the cost curve where I had to charge excess. Now mind you I've been doing this part for at least two months and it's been wrong and Love just takes it fixes it and hands it back,so I am still not understanding where my error...

 Growing up in a family that can tear their shirt and say you're dead to them, can really keep you on your toes when you're a small child.  It seemed a lot of the time I was not noticed if I was quite. I heard a lot.  The feeling of not belonging not fitting in never faded or went away.  I was different.  I would push until people got mad. I asked questions about everything and most of the time I was asked if I was writing a book. At five I did not understand that.  If I had something to say I was impatient to say it. I had to say it right then and there no matter who was talking. I'd interrupt them.  My dad would stop what ever was going and tell everyone to look at me to notice me. He would say I wanted to have all of the attention. I would become very embarrassed. And then I'd slink away. 

 The day was a Thursday. December 23rd 1965.   The time was 5:06pm.  There was a little squeak as I hit the chilly air.  My parents had planned to name me Daphne, up to this moment.  My dad said he did not want anyone to call me daddy duck.   So the settled on Holly.  My dad's family looked at me and said I looked like Barbara. The sister the did not discuss.   When I was one week old I had stopped breathing, choking on mucus. Apparently I had a lot of mucus.  I don't know if it was because I was a month early or what.  But I essentially died. My parents called the paramedics/volunteer firefighters.  My Uncle Andy's best friend Joe was one of the ones that responded. They had cleared the mucus and we're about to give me oxygen,when Joe noticed it was set for an adult, and pulled the mask(I am guessing at mask) away from my face as it was turned on. Thus, saving my tiny life.  Mom always said I would sleep 14 hour...