I don't know what to title this just yet

 To describe how I feel. Emotions are stirring inside me and I can not say what they are. Sadness yes, frustration yes, longing yes, restlessness yes.  Often I feel on the verge of tears and don't know why.  If you compliment me I tear up, if you say I done wrong, I tear up, tell me you love me, I tear up, see a dead animal in the road or on the side I tear up. The tears don't fall. I hold them back. The feelings circle around until I swallow them. A lot of the time I feel numb  I don't know if I actually feel love. It is a scary thought.

 So when I was 12 I met Steve Joseph Voight. At the time he told me he was 17. We had a secret relationship for a while. I would ask to be dropped off downtown at the movie theater and he would come in on the train and we would watch a movie together.  One evening he convinced me to suck his dick. I remember being uncomfortable and excited at the same time. I had no idea what I was doing. I remember thinking his dick was weird.  It was squeaky and reminded me of soap.  I know I didn't finish. I don't really remember why.  I know he left early to catch the train.  The second time I saw him.  I was with Vicky. Steve brought his friend Sandor.  We had gone to the beach. The moon was bright and shining down on the water.  One day he rode his bike to my house to meet my parents. My dad hated him. Said he would have him arrested if he caught us together. We did a lot of sneaking around. Mostly we talked on the phone and wrote letters back and forth.  One night he stole a school bus,

 In September 2006 I was hired at TriVIN.  I really liked this job. The first department I was in was not a good fit. My typing sucked big time. So I was moved over to Reg USA section. Here there was a lot of sexual harassment is the way it would be described.   The guys would ask what color kind of under ware I was wearing and other things like that. I always would give push back. I could give as good as I got.  This one guy in particular was Tracy was always saying sexual things to me.  He kept asking me for naked pictures, after a few months of this I took a picture of a woman at the beach and I sent it to him saying you want me to play here you go.  That was the beginning of  the end.  He kept asking me to send a picture of his wife in the shower to a person in upper management which I said no to. Being a trusting soul I did not lock my computer when I walked away from it.  Tracy apparently sent this picture from my PC.  Before this I had been called into HR because of my give back

 I hate when I've so many thoughts I cannot pin one down.  It's my brain on ADHD.    It's like I have this thought. So when I was in like 5th grade I was invited to a party and they had a dancing contest. I really didn't want to participate.  I was encouraged to stand on a foot stool and dance in a spotlight.  Every single person there laughed at me and made fun of me.   I remember leaving and the mom I think trying to keep me there. It was too far of a walk home. But it was night and cooler. I have since not danced in public with out being really drunk.   Honestly I have no clue if I am a good dancer. I don't have rhythm.  I am stiff and feel like every eye in the room is one me. I freeze right up. 

 I have realized that I have let people's opinions influence me.  I have stopped doing the things that I enjoy most.  Taking pictures is a favorite of mine.  I let a friend's negative comments stop me from taking pictures during my walks which led me to stop walking. I realize how much I miss taking pictures.  How much I miss the positive reactions to them. So I have promised myself I will step back into it.  Maybe I should add some back story to this. Since kindergarten, I have been bullied.  Well the bullying stopped after highschool. But the affects from being bullied still linger on.   I am a loner. I stick to myself, depend on my self. I hold things in to the point of where I feel like if I let go I will spin out of control like a top. I don't dance in public unless I have been drinking.  Even then it is usually in a corner where I am less likely to be seen.  

 I've been working a temporary job for four months now. Something I've never really done. It's sales I guess. I am an account manager,although I have no assigned accounts.  While I understand the gist of what I am doing. I am still not very good. I've been feeling out of my I don't really know how to explain it.  I fit in with the team.  But I make a good number of errors.  I feel as if I am letting Love (my supervisor/mentor) done.  Then I get super down on myself. Honestly Love, hasn't had the time to spend teaching me what I need to learn.  It's not in a text book or S.O.P.   As an example today I was working on a quote and I was trying to figure out an excess charge.  I asked Love why there were dollar amounts on the cost curve where I had to charge excess. Now mind you I've been doing this part for at least two months and it's been wrong and Love just takes it fixes it and hands it back,so I am still not understanding where my error is. Today sh